It’s been several days since I received the call from the psychiatrist that did the test on me and I still don’t believe the result. I remember in that call I only responded: uh-huh, ok, thank you. I’m in huge shock and disbelief. How did this happen? Should I really do the test? If I redo the test, would the result change? Is it a misdiagnosis? Is it because the psychiatrist is specialized in autism that she has a bias toward concluding normal people to autistic?
Why me?
I thought the chance to get vitiligo is small enough, well now I have autism too! Lucky me!
I’ve been in distress in the past few days because the information is so hard for me to process. It’s telling me: I am not normal. Everything I’ve perceived in my mind is in a bubble called autism. Everything I like and hate is because of autism. Am I unique or just sick? I hate to be put a tag on and categorized. In my own mind, I’m far from Asperger, instead, I’m just a very introverted normal person. What’s even the difference between Asperger and extreme introversion?
I used to think being different is cool as a teenager. But now I just want to be normal. I feel scared, scared of the unforeseen challenges this ‘thing’ is putting on my life. I want to have a normal family, a loving relationship, a bunch of friends, and a warm home. And I’m so scared that all of these are impossible for me. I want connections, but connections suck up my energy. I like being alone, but I’m in fear of the ultimate loneliness and emptiness.
I really don’t know how to feel and react. Everything in my past got an explanation now. People describe me as a robot, which totally makes sense now.
I want to feel.
The Cove 